Pondering 39 Plus Two Weeks
The last Friday in March was my birthday. One year after the pandemic began, a full year after selling my dream home of what now seems like a different era, six months post-hysterectomy, one year away from forty, I am now, finally, feeling life begin to settle.
I’m not talking about anything to do with people getting vaccinated (although, I am grateful for this), or about businesses opening back up, or summer being on the way, and life “getting back to normal.” What is normal anymore, anyway? If normal is what was, I am not interested in resuming any of my old normals. The old habits, patterns, beliefs, and fears can stay where they are - in the past.
What I’m feeling is my own brain finally calming down. Finally finding something to focus on. To delight in. To pursue with intention, and hopefully some grace.
I have dreamt for years of becoming an artist - but you cannot be what you do not do, so I am fully stepping into the DO-ing. I plan to challenge everything I have in myself: my patience, my confidence, my joy, and offer custom commissions (for one or two of you a month, until I really get a pace nailed down), and will also offer original works, as well.
Finally, I have created a job for myself that I feel excited to spend time actively do-ing!
My birthday this year felt rather uneventful. There were birthday delights of foods from take-out in the form of truffle fries and black-garlic aioli a-la McMenamins, plus brownies & ice cream (because lets be honest, I have never liked cake. Well, I did, but ONLY for the frosting. Corner pieces were my jam).
But being closer to 40, closer to the middle of 100, sans - uterus, and still peri-menopausal has somehow given me a sense of time that I never felt before. I have found a freedom to fully step in to who I feel I am because I know time is no longer on my side. There’s nothing left to do, but truly BE in the world.
I have always been a creative person hiding behind an intellect that kept me in all the “smart kid” classes. Not feeling bright or brave enough to speak up and get noticed, and too practical to think that any art I pursued could be a “real job” (although I took all the art classes in high school and college, and beyond). So, in my mid-thirties, I found myself ten years into a data-entry based, desk-job career that broke my spirit, left me depressed, and finally so put down that I jumped at the opportunity to take a part time job that was one-third my career take home pay, and didn’t care about the fact that there was no way this job would pay all my bills.
I was so stuck, so sad, anything sounded better than continuing to work in that drab, beige office with grey cubicles, grey desks, and gloomy nothings-ever-going-to-change attitudes of my colleagues. And this was a design office - a place for creativity!
I was rescued (mentally, though not financially) by a cute little office job, so close to my home that could walk to work (which was essential because I had to sell my car when I quit my career-job). The office was smart and modern with giant wood slab desks made from old beams and gorgeous, polished concrete floors and industrial-looking walls. The office felt light & airy there was so much open space. I felt respected by my new coworkers, had a job that required less from me, and I finally had more time to simply live. Spending so much time working on achievement and productivity, this was a huge shift in my perspective.
I’ve been fortunate to meet a partner who supports my creativity, and is excited to see the joy in me for working on all my creative pursuits (painting, writing, building websites, refinishing furniture, all the what nots). I feel so lucky to get to live this way - and I know it all started with that choice in late 2017 to shift toward making more time to do the things that light me up.
For most of us, living our lives consists of going from day to day doing the things we’re told or prescribed by the job or career we find to fill our days which inevitably takes up all the space for doing. If you love your career, this can be good, but for many of us, we find that office life lacking. Choosing my own path in life is something I’m only now learning to do, and I am grateful the opportunity leaving my career four and a half years ago has dropped so dramatically in my lap.
It hasn’t been easy. The unravelling of past programming has taken years, and is ongoing.
But choosing a simpler life has saved me. And slowly, I am finding the time and peace to start each day a little more intentionally. With joy and excitement, like the six-year-old Alaina who really wanted to go to school to learn, I’m entering my workspace with an open mind to explore and be playful, once again.
I hope you can find some space for joy and play today, in whatever it is you spend your time do-ing.
