Watercolor Whimsy
Sometimes life surprises us, revealing parts of ourselves to us in the most unexpected ways.
This month began with excitement for a three-whole-day Watercolor painting workshop exploring portraits. Each day was full of discoveries and revelations at how water and paint can work together in a composition. I learned that color in no way detracts from a portrait, and in fact enhances the beauty. Purples in shadows of the face, blue around the eyes and forehead, and when you begin to layer in more neutral colors the painting begins to take shape… but it really is the blue and purple and green that bring the subject to life!
Our days began with quiet reflection, and I was reminded, in sharing my answers to questions asked, how much writing means to me. Beyond that, I remembered that when I get quiet and sit patiently to allow a response come to me, I don’t think. The words seem to come from another place, flowing through me, rather than from me.
On our first day, after reading a passage from Mark Nepo’s The Book of Awakening, a wise woman asked us to answer this question “What fear do you face now; what inner warrior might you meet?”
At first, I thought, and this is what came from my mind:
“Fear of doing poorly - failure.”
But as I sat, instead of thinking, words flowed from me, and though they were mine, they felt so much more wise than I would ever claim.
“Finding out that I am not what I thought I might be. Fear of Do-ing. In that the do-ing does not bring me joy nor joy to others.
I may meet the warrior of Peace. By doing and stepping not into, but through fear, I may find an inner calm that will allow joy to come through me, and onto the paper in front of me.”
This week, I’ve been focusing on finding peace during my days. And staying focused on one task at a time. (Which is not nearly as easy as it sounds, for me. I am a highly functioning person who is beginning to wonder if neurodiversity has hindered my progress as an adult, specifically ADHD. More exploration on this thought - and hopefully, findings - soon).
Practicing Yoga and going for walks is helping me find, and keep, that calm more often throughout the day. But I still have trouble finding my way back to the paintbrush. And while out walking and thinking about where I might be able to make time for painting, I happened upon a group of women, all sitting with paintbrushes and paper before them, smiling and working on painting the old railroad station before them.
I stopped. “Excuse me… can I ask what you are doing?”
Beginning this conversation lead to how I found myself today, carrying a small card table, camp chair, and all the necessary painting supplies (board, paper, brushes, containers for water, a water bottle full of water, and one to pour dirty water into for proper disposal, drinking water, coffee and snacks, paints, and clips, and a towel and tissues for water management), schlepping toward the park and into a community garden to paint the sunflowers.
Life indeed moves in mysterious ways. If you had asked me four years ago, in the summer of 2017, where I thought I would be in five years, there is no chance that I would have thought that going for walks after 8am would be my norm, nor that meeting a group of women at 9am in a park to paint - on a Tuesday, no less - would ever be part of my weekly “to-do’s”.
Leaving my job in 2017 was the most terrifying, and most necessary decision I have ever made. Most of my family and friends were afraid for me, and expressed their doubts as concern. I didn’t know what would happen to me when I took that leap, but I was sure if I stayed I would remain miserable, feeling under-appreciated, under-utilized, and unfortunately, sad and bored.
Fear kept me from taking those steps for many years. I am grateful I finally chose to jump, despite how scary it was to leap into the abyss of unknown because there is no way I would be where I am today - helping my partner with his wonderful business, and living a much more satisfying, much more happy and calm, daily existence.
Your Joy is important. Your happiness is important. Feeling worthy and fulfilled is important. I hope that you find peace, and that she helps lead you through fear to your greatest be-ing in this life.
